1. Meet the Spartans (1/25/08) 
If you’re wondering how low movies can possibly go, then by all means proceed to watch Meet the Spartans, the low point of the year, if not the decade. Otherwise, even the most ardent masochists have no excuse to subject themselves to this movie. There exists no hyperbole harsh enough to describe the disgust this spoof arouses--when it’s supposed to arouse laughter! The running jokes about 300 aren't even grin-worthy, not to mention completely passé since it's been almost a year, but the attempts at humor in between--targeting gays, dead celebs, bodily functions...the usual--are disturbingly unfunny. If a group of middle-school YouTubers came up with this garbage, it'd still seem immature. But these dudes, the idiots behind Scary / Epic / Date / Superhero Movie, are grown men. Frightening.
Penalty: Meet the Spartans shall be submitted to film schools everywhere and featured prominently in a course called "How to Survive in the Film Industry with Zero Talent." Separately, spoofs altogether shall be laid to rest, thanks completely to Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who have robbed the sub-genre of its humor and continue to do so far too frequently.
If you’re wondering how low movies can possibly go, then by all means proceed to watch Meet the Spartans, the low point of the year, if not the decade. Otherwise, even the most ardent masochists have no excuse to subject themselves to this movie. There exists no hyperbole harsh enough to describe the disgust this spoof arouses--when it’s supposed to arouse laughter! The running jokes about 300 aren't even grin-worthy, not to mention completely passé since it's been almost a year, but the attempts at humor in between--targeting gays, dead celebs, bodily functions...the usual--are disturbingly unfunny. If a group of middle-school YouTubers came up with this garbage, it'd still seem immature. But these dudes, the idiots behind Scary / Epic / Date / Superhero Movie, are grown men. Frightening.Penalty: Meet the Spartans shall be submitted to film schools everywhere and featured prominently in a course called "How to Survive in the Film Industry with Zero Talent." Separately, spoofs altogether shall be laid to rest, thanks completely to Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who have robbed the sub-genre of its humor and continue to do so far too frequently.
2. The Hottie and the Nottie (2/8/08)
2. Paris Hilton is probably good at something (she just has to be!), but acting simply ain’t it, despite her irritating attempts to prove otherwise. However, The Hottie and the Nottie, which would also be a shoo-in for a list of worst movie titles, isn’t only a victim of its performances. The movie is an equal-opportunity failure, a mean-spirited, unfathomably crass concept with even worse execution and nary a redeeming quality from start to finish. In fact, you’re likely to walk away (before it ends) with somehow less respect for ParisPenalty: If Paris Hilton insists on continuing with her “acting” career, it must either be in a cameo or reality-show capacity--a la The Simple Life, which Paris! Hilton herself has admitted is fake. Of course, there’s always porn…
3. Witless Protection (2/22/08)
Obviously, any time there is a Larry the Cable Guy vehicle in the works, you can comfortably pencil it in for these “worst” lists--even before it goes into production. The Cable Guy clearly makes movies for his fans, not to extinguish some artistic fire that burns deep within his soul--which is fine. But, um, just who are these phantom fans? Next to no one showed up for Witless Protection, his lowest grosser to date (2006’s Health Inspector is his highest…at $15 million). It’s no wonder: Witless was kinda light on fart/bowel jokes and heavy on male semi-nudity! Penalty: Larry the Cable Guy shall henceforth self-finance his wretched movies and give away DVD copies of them to audience members on his Blue Collar Comedy Tour upon request. (He allegedly has fans on that circuit.)
4. One Missed Call (1/4/08)
How ‘bout that: Three months, three horrific remakes of (presumably) terrific Asian originals. But One Missed Call has both The Eye and Shutter beat in terms of chronology and sheer badness. Congrats! French director Eric Valette’s anemic American debut should be the last of a dead breed of J-horror remakes, but we all know that won’t happen, so let’s take solace in the fact that they have nowhere to go but up. As for Missed Call, it’s the same old story: The scares are nonexistent, and the casting is a joke. Ed Burns’ guest-starring role on Entourage had to be more fulfilling than this. Penalty: See Nos. 8 and 10.
5. Jumper (2/14/08)
5. Jumper, like Fool’s Gold and 10,000 B.C., was certainly not as reviled by moviegoers as it was by critics--all three movies performed fairly well at the box office--but history has taught us that there is no correlation between quality of movie and quantity of money made. Doug Liman (director of Swingers, for chrissakes!) made history repeat itself with his fruitless attempt at neo-sci-fi. Jumper’s convoluted story was perpetuated by the director’s tendency to, well, jump on to the next scene before we could grasp what the hell was going on--which was probably for the best. But Hayden Christensen… as a hero? Let’s just say it’s never a good sign when you’re rooting against the movie’s hero. And do not get me started on Samuel L.Jackson.s platinum hair!
Penalty: The next casting director to confuse Hayden Christensen for James Franco shall be relegated to assistant to the production secretary. Hire Christensen for the indies and Franco for the blockbusters. How hard is it to remember?!
6. Fool’s Gold (2/8/08)
Audiences are so head-over-heels in love with the idea of Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson as a couple that they’d see just about anything featuring McConauhudson--and Fool’s Gold is Exhibit A. Clearly the two have chemistry with each other and a rapport with (mostly female) moviegoers, but why, oh why, must the story that holds them together in this collaboration be so effin' far-fetched? We like our romantic-comedy escapism simple and stupid, not complex and stupid! After all, it’s not like McConaughey needs to go on an elaborate treasure hunt to take his shirt off. Penalty: Matthew McConaughey MUST make a movie in which his shirt remains on the whole time. Then, the percentage decrease in the amount of female moviegoers must somehow be calculated in order to ascertain the exact worth of those freakishly tanned pectorals. It’s a socio-cinematic experiment!
2. Paris Hilton is probably good at something (she just has to be!), but acting simply ain’t it, despite her irritating attempts to prove otherwise. However, The Hottie and the Nottie, which would also be a shoo-in for a list of worst movie titles, isn’t only a victim of its performances. The movie is an equal-opportunity failure, a mean-spirited, unfathomably crass concept with even worse execution and nary a redeeming quality from start to finish. In fact, you’re likely to walk away (before it ends) with somehow less respect for ParisPenalty: If Paris Hilton insists on continuing with her “acting” career, it must either be in a cameo or reality-show capacity--a la The Simple Life, which Paris! Hilton herself has admitted is fake. Of course, there’s always porn…3. Witless Protection (2/22/08)
Obviously, any time there is a Larry the Cable Guy vehicle in the works, you can comfortably pencil it in for these “worst” lists--even before it goes into production. The Cable Guy clearly makes movies for his fans, not to extinguish some artistic fire that burns deep within his soul--which is fine. But, um, just who are these phantom fans? Next to no one showed up for Witless Protection, his lowest grosser to date (2006’s Health Inspector is his highest…at $15 million). It’s no wonder: Witless was kinda light on fart/bowel jokes and heavy on male semi-nudity! Penalty: Larry the Cable Guy shall henceforth self-finance his wretched movies and give away DVD copies of them to audience members on his Blue Collar Comedy Tour upon request. (He allegedly has fans on that circuit.)4. One Missed Call (1/4/08)
How ‘bout that: Three months, three horrific remakes of (presumably) terrific Asian originals. But One Missed Call has both The Eye and Shutter beat in terms of chronology and sheer badness. Congrats! French director Eric Valette’s anemic American debut should be the last of a dead breed of J-horror remakes, but we all know that won’t happen, so let’s take solace in the fact that they have nowhere to go but up. As for Missed Call, it’s the same old story: The scares are nonexistent, and the casting is a joke. Ed Burns’ guest-starring role on Entourage had to be more fulfilling than this. Penalty: See Nos. 8 and 10.5. Jumper (2/14/08)
5. Jumper, like Fool’s Gold and 10,000 B.C., was certainly not as reviled by moviegoers as it was by critics--all three movies performed fairly well at the box office--but history has taught us that there is no correlation between quality of movie and quantity of money made. Doug Liman (director of Swingers, for chrissakes!) made history repeat itself with his fruitless attempt at neo-sci-fi. Jumper’s convoluted story was perpetuated by the director’s tendency to, well, jump on to the next scene before we could grasp what the hell was going on--which was probably for the best. But Hayden Christensen… as a hero? Let’s just say it’s never a good sign when you’re rooting against the movie’s hero. And do not get me started on Samuel L.Jackson.s platinum hair!Penalty: The next casting director to confuse Hayden Christensen for James Franco shall be relegated to assistant to the production secretary. Hire Christensen for the indies and Franco for the blockbusters. How hard is it to remember?!
6. Fool’s Gold (2/8/08)
Audiences are so head-over-heels in love with the idea of Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson as a couple that they’d see just about anything featuring McConauhudson--and Fool’s Gold is Exhibit A. Clearly the two have chemistry with each other and a rapport with (mostly female) moviegoers, but why, oh why, must the story that holds them together in this collaboration be so effin' far-fetched? We like our romantic-comedy escapism simple and stupid, not complex and stupid! After all, it’s not like McConaughey needs to go on an elaborate treasure hunt to take his shirt off. Penalty: Matthew McConaughey MUST make a movie in which his shirt remains on the whole time. Then, the percentage decrease in the amount of female moviegoers must somehow be calculated in order to ascertain the exact worth of those freakishly tanned pectorals. It’s a socio-cinematic experiment!7. 10,000 B.C. (3/7/08)
For Ronald Emmerich, director of such cerebral, pensive masterworks as Godzilla (the remake) and The Day After Tomorrow, 10,000 B.C. marked something of an artistic high point, which for any other director would be considered a career low point. In other words, the movie still stunk, just maybe a drop less than his previous efforts (although Independence Day is admittedly great popcorn fun). The story is predictably ludicrous and the acting over-the-top, but when you pay to see a Ronald Emmerich movie, you at least expect dazzling special effects. 10,000 B.C’s, however, look as primitive as the Mesolithic period it depicts. Penalty: Ronald Emmerich may continue making movies with multizillion-dollar budgets, but under one condition: A miniscule portion of that money must go towards a script revisionist!
8. Shutter (3/21/08)
Another month, another Asian-horror remake, same--nay, worse result! Whereas The Eye peppers its running time with an occasional twist, the abysmal Shutter is a by the book Americanized adaptation, which is to say laughable when it’s supposed to be frightening. Although former Dawson’s Creek star Joshua Jackson is a little bit scary--scary bad! See the movie’s poster, skip the movie.
Penalty: See No 10
For Ronald Emmerich, director of such cerebral, pensive masterworks as Godzilla (the remake) and The Day After Tomorrow, 10,000 B.C. marked something of an artistic high point, which for any other director would be considered a career low point. In other words, the movie still stunk, just maybe a drop less than his previous efforts (although Independence Day is admittedly great popcorn fun). The story is predictably ludicrous and the acting over-the-top, but when you pay to see a Ronald Emmerich movie, you at least expect dazzling special effects. 10,000 B.C’s, however, look as primitive as the Mesolithic period it depicts. Penalty: Ronald Emmerich may continue making movies with multizillion-dollar budgets, but under one condition: A miniscule portion of that money must go towards a script revisionist!8. Shutter (3/21/08)
Another month, another Asian-horror remake, same--nay, worse result! Whereas The Eye peppers its running time with an occasional twist, the abysmal Shutter is a by the book Americanized adaptation, which is to say laughable when it’s supposed to be frightening. Although former Dawson’s Creek star Joshua Jackson is a little bit scary--scary bad! See the movie’s poster, skip the movie.Penalty: See No 10
9. Over Her Dead Body (2/1/08)
Eva Longoria Parker, Paul Rudd, Lake Bell, Jason Biggs…This was a dream cast even on paper, was it not? Yeah, maybe not. Thus Dead Body had one strike against it pre-release thanks to a group of mismatched actors (although to Biggs’s credit and our relief, his role in the movie is short-lived). But our way-low expectations turned out to be much too high after sitting through a romantic comedy that offers no believable romance or comedy--or chemistry! Penalty: The next time someone writes a movie as god-awful as John Tucker Must Die (that would be Jeff Lowell), he shall be blacklisted, not promoted to director on his next movie!
10. The Eye (2/1/08)
Eva Longoria Parker, Paul Rudd, Lake Bell, Jason Biggs…This was a dream cast even on paper, was it not? Yeah, maybe not. Thus Dead Body had one strike against it pre-release thanks to a group of mismatched actors (although to Biggs’s credit and our relief, his role in the movie is short-lived). But our way-low expectations turned out to be much too high after sitting through a romantic comedy that offers no believable romance or comedy--or chemistry! Penalty: The next time someone writes a movie as god-awful as John Tucker Must Die (that would be Jeff Lowell), he shall be blacklisted, not promoted to director on his next movie!10. The Eye (2/1/08)
This import of the 2002 Japanese horror film of the same name, although creepy in concept and occasionally jarring visually, failed to deliver a single scare. One theory is that Jessica Alba, whose decidedly unscary face and body we have seen on the cover of nearly every magazine, in a horror movie is oxymoronic. But frankly, this Eye wouldn’t have worked any matter which actress played its visually challenged damsel in distress.Penalty: Screenwriters shall be banned from adapting, and thereby sullying, foreign horror movies. It's time to give up the dream of adapting the next Ring or Grudge and--dare we say--write something original.
(Courtesy: Hollywood Dotcom)
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